What you don’t want to look at…

don’t want to look at…

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My first suspicion came when I noticed that leaders, people who ‘selflessly’ gave of their time to the organization, died, left and right, of cancer.

Kabbalah says that certain diseases are opportunistic, like the Dark Side, they enter your body on cracks between who you claim you are, and who you really are… the space between you and you.

Even little kids have that…

You are fed by your mother. You choke on the food. Your mother doesn’t know how to help you. You don’t die. Your parents rejoice and hug you and kiss you.

Normally they don’t express feelings, but this trick did it… so you ‘invent’ for yourself a new way to be: don’t do anything. don’t say anything. Don’t cry… and then it will go away and the praise, the kisses will come.

Eventually you are a grown person, having had tens of incidents and experiences when it didn’t work, when it only bought you grief and humiliation, incidents of sexual attacks, inappropriate touch, and some maybe even more painful… but in your little mind that hasn’t moved from the choking incident, you tell yourself: the kisses and the reward are surely coming…

If it weren’t tragic, I would laugh. It’s ridiculous and sad.

We all have little or big rituals to make what we want happen… and we never learn that just because it happened once, it is not proof that what made the thing happen was the ritual.

You need to learn new things… you need to be moving with life, but it seems human nature to get stuck in behaviors that didn’t change since we were little.

I spent a few minutes in the warm cocoon of my bed this morning. It was 47 degrees in the room, and it was toasty under the covers… A used the time to look why it so disgusts me, why it so angers me, why I am so irate at the student who would bear anything… like a saint. Why it bothers me so much.

You see, when I deal with people I always have a choice to deal with their real self, the beautiful person, or the made-up self: the one they present to me. But when the gap is too wide, when the ‘Dark Side’ can move in…